as those of you who know me. really know me. you know that I am a long distance runner.
running was my first catharsis. before poetry. if I needed to clear my head, I hit the track. If my life is a race then I am trudging the unexpected first hill of the 3 mile course in Cross Country.
Being 1602.3 miles away from home (too far to run back) I have grown and developed as a person. Which is what the "college experience" is supposed to bring. I have gained friends, lost friends, fell in love, fell out of love, learned the different types of love, and especially learned how to appreciate the people i have in my life (at least for the time being). I miss my family dearly and appreciate them 10 times more than I would have if I wasn't so far away. I have an awesome support system that is not immediately close to me but will never fail me in the time of need, and they reassure me of that constantly. Them not being here is what has helped me the most. I have had to stand on my own, fight my own battles, and learn as independently as a foreign exchange student.
I have also learned to be more real and true to myself. I am all about self-preservation. I realize many people do not support this and that is okay. I do not mean any foul intentions towards you. I just know that i must look out for myself. I must like myself, I must love myself. Because if I don`t, I cannot expect someone else to do the same. My first semester of college, I hit rock bottom, the lowest anyone could go. love... got the best of me. i let things cloud my judgement and become more important to me, than i was to me. Never again. so here I apologize to anyone in my life that I may offend because i am not here to cause harm. but if i don't look out for me who will? After being crushed by a love lost i picked myself up by my boot straps and later met a guy. who at the time rocked my world. inspired me. enlightened me to a new world but reminded me of the one i left behind all at the same time. he had me back in this writing mode. poetry had again became my mistress. my pen slept on her pad a many a nights trying describe my inner turmoil i had not released, my new feelings pushing into my spirit trying to push out the old. oh my mistress held so much truth, so much reality, so much of my life in her womb. some has even been released here on facebook. then i realized, if i am to completely deal with my life i need to share it with someone other than my mistress. so i shared it with him. yes, he listened to my past, just listened. that`s it. i received no response, i was concerned with what to do. i came to the conclusion that he could not support me, he wasn't ready for the reality that only my mistress could handle. i still cared for him ans supported him, and i do to this day. but, time is getting the best of us. its helping us slip away.
Accidentally one day, I met someone new. yes i know what you're thinking. I am not like that. it just happened to fall in a close sequential order. he is, by far, one of the most caring people i have met. i appreciate the nights he has listened because me and my mistress were having problems. the nights he emotionally held my heart in his hands to protect it, the nights he tried to rescue me from Boston, from loneliness, from harm, from the 3 mile course I was dealt. I applaud him. Our similarities in the beginning have masked our differences. differences are easy to say you accept, but easier said then done in most cases. this distance between us is great but has helped us bond on another level. and skype has become oour best friend. we realize that each day brings us closer...
but recently, I tripped, got up and reality slapped me in the face with a fork in the road at the end of my hill. i have to retract a little from guys. i need to make sure that i will be happy. immediate gratification vs. long term benefits. if i continue with one will i long for the past? i need to make sure i have chosen the right one at the right time. i know emotions are involved which never makes things easy but when i`m confused what can i tell you that will actually help? in reality, not a damn thing. so here as i retract. i take a few steps back from my fork in the road. i think and contemplate. because now my mistress has served her purpose. she can no longer help. i cannot write to her my solution. i must now return to my first catharsis. I will run. i will run `til my legs get weak, `til my mind has tired itself with thoughts on the issue, `til i can come closer to a solution of happiness with no regrets. i`m not expecting immediate results (might not happen until i`m home). because of course this is a long distance race.
out for a jog.